Oh, those wacky Texas Republicans

Here is one of the main reasons Molly Ivins has prospered as a political editorialist. As she acknowledges in her online bio at Creators.com, "covering the Texas Legislature... doubtlessly accounts for her frequent fits of hysterical laughter" and gives her "plenty to write about." And a lot of the entertainment in the Texas Lege comes from ... guess who?

Yep, it's the platform of the good ole Republican Party of Texas, which seems to think that the John Birch Society is a buncha softheaded pinkos. They make such easy targets for satire that it seems almost too cruel to actually take shots at them.

Almost.

Now some of their platform is generic political boilerplate ("God Bless Texas!") and some of it actually incorporates some good ideas, such as the following:

Census The Party opposes any attempt by the United States Census Bureau to obtain any information beyond the number of people residing in the dwelling at the time of the census and in accordance with Article I, Section 2 of the United States Constitution. We strongly support counting each citizen and urge elected officials
to resist taking a census by any other method.

Repeal of Federal War Powers Act A perpetual state of national emergency allows unrestricted growth of government. The Party charges the President to cancel the state of national emergency and charges Congress to repeal the War Powers Act and declare an end to the previously declared states of emergency.

Property Seizure Without Due Process The Party opposes the confiscation or seizure of private property without the benefit of due process. Furthermore, in order to discourage institutional greed and a false sense of fiscal independence from the citizenry, neither law enforcement agencies nor their parent organizations should be allowed to reap any financial benefit from such seizures.

Personal Confidentiality The Bill of Rights of the United States Constitution guarantees the right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects against unreasonable searches and seizures and that this right shall not be violated. The Party directs that legislation be introduced in both the United States Congress and the State of Texas to repeal existing statutory requirements to end the ever increasing, incessant, recurring, and calculated gathering, accumulation, and dissemination of finger prints, Social Security numbers, financial and personal information of law-abiding citizens by business and governments, the use of which are contrary to and destructive of our individual and collective freedom. Such legislation shall provide remedy and redress to any individual denied service for refusing to provide the above–mentioned information.

However, it sounds like someone's crazy old aunt grabbed hold of the typewriter once the subject shifted to religion. How else to explain the following item?

Christian Nation The Republican Party of Texas reaffirms the United States of America is a Christian nation, which was founded on fundamental Judeo-Christian principles based on the Holy Bible. We also affirm the right of each individual to worship in the religion of his or her choice.

Ah yes.... we all know about the devout Christian orthodoxy of Thomas Jefferson and Thomas Paine, right? And although there's a grudgingly tacked-on affirmation of the right to worship, I can't help noting that it's devoid of any right not to worship.

It still perplexes me that a party that purports to defend personal privacy as described above still can't resist the urge to micromanage people's bedroom behavior, but there it is:

Homosexuality The Party believes that the practice of sodomy tears at the fabric of society....

Not that I'm an expert or anything, but, um, isn't that what the KY Jelly is for?

Furthermore, like Rep. Lewis of Kentucky, the party seems to be ignorant of the legal significance of Supreme Court decisions such as Lawrence v. Texas:

Texas Sodomy Statutes The Party opposes the decriminalization of sodomy.

And as for foreign relations? Simple!

United Nations The Party believes it is in the best interest of the citizens of the United States that we immediately rescind our membership in, as well as all financial and military contributions to, the United Nations.

In truth, I could conceivably vote for a party that pursued the more sensible causes outlined here, but abandoned the crazy-eyed theocratic ranting and the disturbingly obsessive insistence on micromanaging the bedroom antics indulged in by the very same individuals over whose privacy in other spheres they purport to have such concern.

But I don't think I could vote for these guys unless they purged the would-be theocrats and bedroom meddlers from their ranks. Not to mention the cynical warmongers and the Enron and Halliburton alumni club. And that's clearly not going to happen any time soon. So I guess I'm stuck voting for (shudder) Democrats or maybe the Libertarians. If I try to vote by principles, the Libertarians probably come closest to a match; however, if I decide to vote on an anybody-but-Bush, get-rid-of-the-bum basis, the Democrat (gag) might be the most viable alternative.